Enjoy the Ride

I have been thinking lately of all the driving we did with Cameron last year - too much of which was driving to medical appointments and hospitals which you would think would be unpleasant, but you would be wrong. Cameron's attitude prevailed and he always managed to enjoy the ride and make it seem like an adventure, even when it was just one of the many trips to and from Saint John.

We drove to Halifax a couple of times and made many stops along the way for food and snacks and we listened to some of Cameron's music mixes over the car radio. We drove to Toronto in mid-winter even though we had originally planned to fly as it was a risky venture in late February. But Cam insisted that we drive and make it into "kind of a vacation"... another example of his enduring ability to find the fun in otherwise difficult situations. And believe it or not, we enjoyed the ride despite the adverse circumstances.

Later on in the year we drove to Toronto again and it was a wonderful trip. The weather was perfect and we retraced our route from before and enjoyed eating out and watching movies in our rooms. Even when we were staying in Toronto we did a lot of driving - just exploring the city and getting to know the highways. We found our way to many interesting downtown locations, did a lot of shopping and saw a lot of movies.

Long before he was diagnosed we took many family trips to Montreal to visit grandparents and sometimes John traveled with us and Cameron really enjoyed that, but later on it was mostly just me and Julie and Cam. We used to stop overnight in Riviere du Loup where Cam always had his own room and set up all his various techy supplies and gadgets. In Montreal we always drove to the nearest subway station before heading down town for more sight-seeing, shopping, movies and of course - eating out.

Cameron always did a lot of driving around with John and other friends - listening to music and just enjoying the ride. He also drove around a lot with his friend Arda in various beat up old cars, sometimes they would go for a drive and be several hours and sometimes they would be back in 15 minutes - they were, and always will be - a unique pair. For someone who loved cars, Cam was not a big driver himself, preferring to just enjoy the ride. He was a very relaxed and engaging passenger - and with the help of his ever present cellphone and Google Maps, he was a natural born navigator.

Later on, Cameron and I drove around Fredericton and surrounding area just for something to do, to get out of the house and get some fresh air. We drove a lot last summer while Julie was away in Montreal - sometimes just looking for a change of scenery or a couple of times in quest of hard ice cream cones or small glass bottles of Coke. It didn't really matter if we found them or not - it was fun to just enjoy the ride.

We all drive every day and sometimes I think we take for granted how pleasant it can be just moving down that road. So whether your journey is a short one or a long one, think about what a simple pleasure it is. Put on some music, stop for a snack, take in the view and just "enjoy the ride."

Tattoo

Many years ago I used to listen to a song by the Who. It was called Tattoo and the refrain went like this - "Welcome to my life, Tattoo! We've a long time together me and you!" Who would know how prophetic those words would turn out to be 50 years later?

I was looking at John's Facebook page one day and there were two separate posts - one about the Terry Fox Foundation and one about a Fredericton tattoo artist. I had been looking for some sort of way to memorialize Cameron's bravery and there it was right in front of me. A tattoo - a constant reminder of Cam's strength every day of my life. I had never even considered getting a tattoo before, in fact the very idea sort of terrified me. But since Cameron faced so many difficult situations, it seemed appropriate and I was determined to do it.

The first step was to find a suitable message and design. The message was clear from the start - after all, the name of this blog is "Extra Strong", so that part was easy. All I had to do was settle on an image and quite by accident Julie found the perfect one. She was browsing an art website called Deviant Art and remembered that Cam used to belong to it. So with a little searching around she found a line drawing of a wolf that Cameron had done when he was a teenager - the one you see above. The font for the tattoo was by Cameron too, since the original drawing also included some text showing the wolf's name. And for those of you who would like to know - his name is "Steele".

The process itself was quite an experience too - just being in a tattoo/piercing shop full of pierced and tattooed twenty-somethings was weird to say the least. The artist, Matt is a friend of John's and he knew Cameron too so there was a personal connection. As I lay down on the table there was ear splitting music playing while the artist went to work. He asked if it bothered me and I said "No, in fact I think I even recognize it."  Matt said he had just chosen some random music to play and it turned out to be the Beastie Boys - one of Cameron's favorite bands. I love it when things work out that way...

So there you have it. I now have a memorial tattoo based on Cameron's artwork that Julie discovered - all thanks to a couple of random posts on John's Facebook. A family effort in the true sense of the word. The tattoo says "Extra Strong" but I will always be sure to explain to people that it does not refer to me but is a testament to Cameron who was the strongest of us all.

A Man of Many...

If you are looking at the pictures below, I bet you are thinking you know what this blog is about. And if you are thinking it is about hats then you are only partly right. This is a story about who is wearing the hat and what is going on under that hat. Anyone can put a hat on their head but not everyone can wear a hat - and Cameron could wear a hat. This is also a story about confidence and attitude, about not caring what people think and it is about expressing yourself without saying a word. But you are right - it is also basically about hats...

The Heisenberg Hat - this is where it all started. It was bought for Cameron by his Aunt Bev and arrived just in time for Christmas 2013. Cam loved this hat and it became a strong symbol for his fight against cancer. Many people remarked how "bad ass" he looked in it and they were right. It set the tone for all that was to come - and Cameron always wore it with pride. It later became the focal point of the celebration we had to honor Cameron and people were lining up to get a chance to wear it. Nobody looked as "bad ass"....

The Angry Bird Hat - this is one of those hats with the long, dangly side braids. He bought it at Value Village mainly to keep his head warm and because it was easy to put on with one hand. This hat expressed Cameron's whimsical yet practical side and when he wore it is was with a sense of fun and not anger. Nothing "bad ass" about this hat...

The Bling Hat - what can be said about the Bling hat? Anyone who has seen it will never forget it and the sensation it caused whenever he wore it. He bought it in Toronto when he was recovering from his operation and I think in some way it gave him a feeling of freedom and was his way of saying "Look at me, people!" And the people truly did look - they would actually run up and ask where they could get one. It takes a lot of confidence and a devil-may-care attitude to carry off a hat like this - and Cameron had that in spades.

The Bucket Hat - call it what you like, a fishing hat or Woody Allen hat. This hat was more of a symbol of solidarity and was given to Cam by a fellow patient who was undergoing treatment for a brain tumor. He liked Cameron a lot and they got on very well.  It didn't have Cameron's usual flair but it was practical and it shielded him from the sun. And as usual - he wore it with pride and it looked good on him. Of all Cameron's hats - it is the one I feel that I might wear someday and I don't think he would mind a bit.

The Hair Hat - now this one was just plain fun! We bought it at a truck stop on our way to Toronto for what was to be a wonderful vacation. It is one of those hats that everyone has to try on but once again no one could wear it like he could. It was kind of a joke at first but it became a very practical hat too. Cameron was totally bald at the time but he did not wear it to cover up his bald head - he wore it because it was fun and damn it all - he looked good in it!

Cameron was not only a man of many hats, but he was also a man of many talents, many interests and ultimately a man of many admirers. Not the least for his natural ability to be one hundred percent himself. And let me tell you - that is a rare trait in this world. Like I said at the start of this story, anyone can put a hat on his head but it takes a special person to wear so many hats and wear them so well. Hats off to you, Cam!

Find the Fun

I said I wasn't going to write any more about Cameron for a while but I was wrong. I have tried to write some other stories but at this point they just seem frivolous and lead me nowhere. So I have parked them in the shade for a while, as I continue to remember and share what Cameron was all about.

We all know he had strength and courage, a love of life and a great sense of humour. But we tend to overlook some of his other qualities - such as his independence and his work ethic. He worked almost four years at one of the most unglamorous jobs in the world and managed not only to stick with it - but to make it his own and find the fun in it. He was a dishwasher, plain and simple and he was proud of it - something that means a lot more than a fancy title or big pay cheque when all is said and done.

One of my favorite writers, Garrison Keillor once wrote a story about his first job - coincidentally as a dishwasher. He told of how proud he was of that job because it was his own, he did it well and it was his way of showing his independence. That sums up Cameron's work ethic quite nicely and I think Garrison would have liked Cameron a lot.

I am not making Cameron out to be some sort of working class hero, but I just want to make it clear that he genuinely liked what he did. He told me quite unashamedly more than once that he was the best dishwasher in town. How many of us can honestly say that about our jobs - and mean it?

I knew Cam missed working and he often said so. He was concerned about what he could do with his disability and knew his options were limited. That is why I was happy to have him come to work with me when he was feeling up to it. We found a task that he was well suited to - inspecting microfilms; a job I still do to this day. He was able to load and unload the film rolls on to the viewer, visually inspect the films, take down notes and enter the results into a computer database.  And all with one arm... which by the way never seemed to slow him down much. I even found out that as recently as last fall he had offered to work a weekend shift at the Lunar Rogue. Imagine that...

Cam certainly knew how to make the best of things at work and knew how to find the fun. He often talked about the slow times at The Lunar Rogue when he baked cookies, watched movies and had snowball fights. And one of his favorite things to do at work was to run errands for other staff members to pick up coffee, cigarettes etc. He saw it as a great way to have a break, do someone a favor - and to keep the change, which I understand was always part of the deal!

We could all learn a lot from Cameron's attitude towards life and especially from his attitude towards work. He did what had to be done, accepted what came his way and always made time to find the fun. He learned in 4 years what I haven't learned in 40, so I guess I'll just keep working and try to find the fun.

Boop

Boop is the last story I will write about Cameron - for a little while anyway. I have written about Cam and about me, but this one is different because it is more about Cam and Julie - and their special connection. And how that wonderfully complicated relationship can be summed up in one word - Boop. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes a word is worth a thousand words too. Read on...

As you know, Cam was a very "techy" person and he never went anywhere without his cellphone, laptop or iPad. Whenever we went on the road or when he was in hospital or in a motel the most important piece of luggage was always his tech bag. And it was usually off limits.

Communication with Cameron was always difficult, especially when he was in hospital as he rarely answered his phone or returned calls. Thank God (and Friedhelm Hillebrand) for the invention of texting, which seems to have been developed with Cameron in mind as it is very short and to the point - not a lot of words and sentences to get in the way. He was very skilled at texting and could type faster and more accurately with one thumb than most of us could with two hands and a full keyboard. I did my fair share of texting with Cameron but Julie did most of it. And it was looking forward to those small, brief messages on her phone that kept us going.

Sometimes it was just a request to bring something - like a phone charger or a back-scratcher.  I won't say there were no complaints, but they were few and far between. Other times it was a demand for food - especially breakfast! Cameron loved his breakfast and sadly most hospitals seem to consider cold cereal and one piece of dry toast to be sufficient. Cam always preferred heartier fare and Julie received many a text requesting a bagel with cream cheese or his favorite - the famous D.E.C.H. muffin. Egg, bacon and cheese on a toasted English muffin, and nobody makes them like the Chalmers hospital cafeteria. Whenever Julie received a text for one of these it was always a good sign and we were more than happy to deliver.

But the messages that meant the most were the ones that Julie and Cam sent to each other with that one word - Boop. As far as I know Cam got the word from a TV show he used to watch called "Archer" and apparently the characters would touch someone on the nose and say Boop. There are other examples all over the internet but Cameron took this simple gesture and made it into an unspoken expression of affection. I have to be careful not to read too much into these things so I will just say that to Julie and Cam 'Boop' simply meant "Hello" or "Good night" or just indicated that they were thinking about each other.

I never got a Boop and I am fine with that - Julie always shared them with me, although I understood that it was something special between her and Cameron. Boop was more than just a word. It was a symbol of a special connection between them that will remain a great memory forever.

A Bargain at any Price...

I think everyone has seen this picture by now but I thought I would tell you a bit more about the day that it was taken. I remember the day vividly - it was a beautiful spring day in Toronto, April 26th of last year. I had driven up to visit Julie and Cameron while he was still staying at the Westpark Rehab Center and I brought some things from home, one was Cameron's razor - which explains the nifty beard in the photo. He was feeling good and had the weekend off and we were free to go downtown for the day - and what a day.

It started out on the subway with Cameron running and skipping down the subway stairs ahead of me. And when we got to the subway landing he was leaning out over the ramp looking for the subway to arrive. While we were waiting he was talking to everyone and their dog - quite literally because there was a man with a dog waiting there too and they had a great chat - all three of them. When we got on the subway Cameron decided to stand up and hang onto the safety strap with his one good arm but I finally convinced him to sit down. I was having a ball but I was a nervous wreck already!

Once we arrived downtown Cameron wanted to go everywhere at once. We started at the Eaton Centre and he was thrilled because the last time we were there he had been in a wheelchair - another story in itself. So Cameron being a creature of habit, we visited every store that we had been to before. After that we went outside and wandered all over downtown. Cam was passing out money to panhandlers - and passing out friendly advice to several street people too as I recall. He had quite a conversation about music with one girl in particular (and her dog) while I watched and waited - we were in no hurry.

We went everywhere, ate everything, bought everything and he quite literally wore me out. Cam was truly happy to be alive and out in the world after many weeks of being in hospitals. You can't possibly know that kind of happiness unless you have been through what he went through. I guess that is a gift of sorts. It seems like such a high price to pay but I guess true happiness is a bargain at any price. We had many other good days too - but this one stands out way above the others. I am so glad I was there to experience it - and capture it in this one photo. A picture of true happiness that you or I will probably never experience.

Forgive me if a few of my stories are about Cameron for awhile, but these are things everyone should know and writing about them is therapy for me. I hope reading them is therapy for you.

Hey Dad Soup

I haven't been able to write anything here for almost a year and a half now because during that time 100% of my energy was focused on supporting Cameron in his battle. Unfortunately I only have 100% to give, unlike some others who seem to have 1000% - like Julie for example. She gave all her love and energy to caring for Cameron and still managed to find even more to deal with other personal issues. I wish I could be more like that - but it is her gift not mine. However, this story is not about Julie - it is about Cameron and how I will miss him. And one thing I will miss in particular is going to the movies - an interest we have shared for many years.

When we were in Toronto we were pretty much confined indoors until one day we discovered the joy of going to matinee movies. It just occurred to us that if we picked the off peak hours then the theaters would be less crowded and less chance of contacting germs etc. We learned to find our way around Toronto in search of movie theaters with wheelchair access and it was very liberating for us both. We saw The Grand Budapest Hotel when it was first released, Guardians of the Galaxy, we watched Need for Speed 3D in a theater that normally seats 300 people. We sat front and center and had the whole place to ourselves. A wonderful memory... The last movie we saw together was The Hobbit here in Fredericton - and we loved it. I remember we stayed until the theme song ended and the last credit had rolled by. Another wonderful memory...

I have to briefly mention movie food because that was always part of the fun too and I don't mean just popcorn. I won't go into detail at this point but I will just ask if you would order a plate of pulled pork nachos with extra cheese sauce and then eat it in the dark with one hand? Well - Cameron did, and more than once!

But what does all this have to do with soup? Very little actually... in fact it has more to do with the movies which I will explain. Cam and I started the tradition of going to movies together many years ago and I suffered through my share of typical "kid" movies like the "Pokemon Movie" for example - so bad I actually fell sound asleep about three times while Cameron enjoyed the whole show.  But the movie that always sticks in my mind is The Goofy Movie which played when Cameron was about 5 years old. It was about Goofy and his son Max and their adventures on a road trip - that's about all the plot detail I remember. Except for that one silly but touching little scene where they were trapped in their car by Big Foot (I told you it was silly...) and Goofy was heating up a can of soup using the cigarette lighter. They had been quarreling about something trivial and Goofy reminded Max how he used to spell out "Hey Dad" in his alphabet soup - Hey Dad Soup. And if you think it made me tear up back then - you should see me now.

I guess this memory sticks with me because ever since he was a kid, Cameron always greeted me with those exact words. Maybe nobody else noticed it - maybe my ears were just tuned to it. I would come home from work and the first thing I would hear would be "Hey Dad - guess what?" or "Hey Dad - let's order a pizza" or my favorite - "Hey Dad - we should go to a movie." It was usually about some small thing but it always started with "Hey Dad" and it always reminded me of Goofy and Max.

This continued right until the end. I dropped in to visit Cam alone one evening and he asked me to come back in about an hour. I went off to read a book for a while and when I came back he seemed to still be resting so I quietly paced the hall outside his room thinking he was asleep. I had no idea he even knew I was there until after a few minutes I heard "Hey Dad... can you get me a blanket?" I was surprised and thrilled and found a blanket right away. Anyone who has ever been a caregiver to a seriously ill person will know how much it means to be able to provide even a small bit of comfort.

So what can I say to finish a simple yet meaningful little story like this? How about "Hey Cam, I will miss you - and I'll be thinking of you always, but especially at the movies."

Love, Dad

Extra Strong

This is a new blog site I have set up exclusively for my stories about Cameron. It is called EXTRA STRONG and Cameron even wrote the title himself although he didn't realize it at the time. After he passed away I was cleaning up his room and I found this piece of paper on the closet floor - in Cameron's own handwriting. It was probably a label for some of his pills as he always liked to be involved in that part of his treatment. It was just meant to be a simple label, but I think the words have taken on a meaning of their own.

Take another look at the picture above - this is a label Cam made on his own, with one hand. I challenge anyone reading this to try and do the same - using your left hand if you are right handed and vice versa. Go ahead, get a piece of paper and a pen, and when you are done fold it up just right and then get a roll of scotch tape and tape it to a round plastic pill bottle. Not an easy task I think you will agree...

What this little demonstration goes to show is that Cam was not only extra strong but also extra capable and extra determined. He was a lot of other 'extras' too; extra brave, extra kind and extra large. Both in spirit and in body - on second thought, make that XXL.

All the stories I have written so far are found here and I will be working on new ones as I go along and whenever the inspiration strikes me. I will be sure to remind you whenever there are new ones but feel free to stop and read them whenever you want. It couldn't hurt and it just might help - to make us all EXTRA STRONG.